So, here I am once again, after deleting the majority of my LiveJournal and Xanga accounts. Reading through them was quite amusing though. I can't believe I actually "tYpEd LiKe ThIs oMfG nO WaAaAaI!" at one point in my life. When people type like that it makes me eyes freak out nowadays. Maybe it's cause I'm getting old...

When I was waiting for the bus this morning I saw a guy fixing a light post. I started to think about it, even though its probably because my brain completely lacked oxygen because of the night before (where I spent hours watching anime and reading manga just because I had gotten out of an organic chemistry midterm and just didn't want to think about the world anymore). It made me wonder how he got there. I always wondered how people obtained certain jobs, and how they came across it. For example those random jobs that are so specialized and are hard to get into, like a manager for a superstar. Have these people always aspired to be what they are today? Surely not.

When they were children, or even teenagers, they most likely wanted to grow up to become someone famous and/or do something considerably important. Then it makes me sad.

Because I realize that they must have wanted to aspire to something greater in their lives, but somehow, along the road, they tripped and fell and didn't have the ambition to get up and start running again. It's like those marathons. Maybe life is just a big marathon. Those who keep running without stopping, without faltering to any distractions will blast past everyone who is also in this race called life. And then I think about my own position. What if, one day, I lose that ambition to keep going and just settle with the status quo. What if when I graduate college (granted that I do) and I can't find a job, like so many people nowadays. Then I might apply for a mediocre paying job to fill up my time and maybe I'll get comfortable. But the main problem is, I can't get comfortable.

When I was a kid, I decided that I didn't need money to make myself happy. My parents wanted me to become a doctor because they believed that I would live comfortably and be happy because of that. But I realize now, that no matter what, whatever I am doing, regardless of what I do, as long as I enjoy life, I will be happy. But also, that my ambition, will not let me settle for less that I know I can obtain. If I settle for a job at a food court, or a desk job, regardless of whether I was living comfortably or not, I would be unhappy.

Unhappy because I know, in my heart and stubborn mind, that I can do so much more. And maybe that is why I can go to medical school. Because it won't matter even if my closest friends tell me it's impossible, I know that I can. Because I am willing to give up everything to be the best that I can possibly be. Of course I may never be famous, but I can't just settle knowing that I haven't tried my best.

Maybe that is why college is so stressful for me. I know I am not doing my best. I know that I can do so much better. Everyone is one the same level here, although there may be some exceptions, it only differs in the amount of dedication you put out. Pain is gain, and it's unfortunately true. I learned recently that if you can't sacrifice anything then you won't be able to gain anything. Maybe that is why some people are so antisocial, because they sacrifice, love, friendship, and happiness to be the best they can be, to know their full potential.

I wonder what my full potential is. I feel like it is constantly being tested, but I haven't yet stepped up to the challenge. High school was way too easy, because when I read my old Xanga and Live Journal entries, all I wrote about were boys. All I could think about were boys and yet I still had excellent grades. It wasn't a test of how mentally strong I was, high school was just a place were you could learn to get by with the bare minimum and still make it out. I had friends who calculated how much work they had to do just to get a C and then would just chill for the entire year.

I wonder what I should do. It scares me. I hear everyone getting scared when its time for their graduation, because no one has jobs or they have to wait for graduate school. What if I never make it? I want to make it. I believe that I am fortunate to have parents who have given me this comfortable lifestyle and to allow me to take a year off my studies and potentially do research somewhere while I wait to apply to medical school. But sometimes there is a limit. Bills must be paid, we get distracted, and we want to be happy with those around us.

The problem with the happiness that I truly desire is that it is not a happiness that can be shared. It's only self-satisfaction. Once you get to the top, you're all alone and no one is there by your side. But you're there. Maybe with the people who also are at the top, but most likely you've forsaken everything to the bottom of the pyramid.

Maybe if I tripped three-fourths of the way I'll be able to be somewhat self-satisfied and happy with those around me. Maybe right now, that's why I feel like I've been missing my heart. My libido is surely there, but that desire to love someone and to be loved was taken away from me long ago. Maybe when I was around 17. I don't know. Or maybe, it's just cause I can't settle. Because settling will mean, having a job I most likely won't want, getting married to someone I don't particularly want to be with for the rest of my life, and having kids who will bring me some happiness because they're cute, but they will because my attachments to the ground.

I want to travel, and see things most people haven't seen, and do things only crazy people would do. Wouldn't that make life worthwhile. Most people say that it's just a phase, to want to experience the wind on your face, to be just a step away from death. Maybe they're just scared. But honestly, I'm just as scared as them. Maybe even more, because I was to come out of these near-death experiences alive.

Like motorcycles, I am scared to death of them, but I love them all the more just because of it. Its that high of not knowing what will happen that I'm addicted to. The throb of my pulse in my ears and the frantic thoughts going through my head while I'm on that high.

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.

But I think because of that trait of mine, no matter how I get there, I will race past everyone else in the end.

Side-note: Oh I feel so mature, the six year difference from my first Xanga entry to my latest Live Journal one. Sigh.... >_>